Thursday, June 16, 2011

Okay

"It'll all work out okay." 

"Buck up - you got this."

"Stay strong."

"Everything will be fine." 

I know people mean well; I really do. But, right now...

It's not okay. 

I haven't got whatever "this" is. 

I'm not always strong. 

Everything is not okay. 

The past two days have probably been the darkest days I've ever experienced. Dark in every way possible. Laying in bed at night trying to find the physical strength to reach for the lamp; crying so hard my eyes were swollen; curling up under a blanket trying to hide my face from my son. Dark.

It's really nothing new, but it all hit me like a cement truck. I buried my face in a pillow and literally screamed at God. I was angry and felt my heart plunge to my toes. I kept thinking of people I could call but I couldn't find the strength to pick up the phone. I was exhausted in every way possible. 

I love when it rains at night. The song it plays on my windows always accompanies my favorite Sinatra tunes so beautifully as I curl up with a cozy blanket and drift off to dream land. I think the thing I love the most about soothing nights like that (other than the most peaceful night's sleep ever) is the morning after. The sun always shines so brightly and I always wish I could bottle the smell of the water logged trees. 


The storm I experienced the other night was nothing short of hurricane material. But, just as it always does, the Son shown bright the next morning. I heard this song as I ventured anywhere... Anywhere my car would take me as long as it was away from my apartment. God never ceases to amaze me with the way He speaks to and through His children. 


This roller coaster I'm riding in my life right now has taught me more than I can even begin to explain. I've learned to be more honest, more vulnerable and accept help. All things that I wasn't very good at before. I've learned that God's okay with me curling up with Him one night and screaming at Him the next. Life is what it is right now. Sometimes the best I can do is survive. And, sometimes... that's okay. 



You would think only so much can go wrong
Calamity only strikes once
And you assume this one has suffered her share
Life will be kinder from here
Oh, but sometimes the sun stays hidden for years
Sometimes the sky rains night after night
When will it clear?

But our Hope endures the worst of conditions
It's more than our optimism
Let the earth quake
Our Hope is unchanged

How do we comprehend peace within pain?
Or joy at a good man's wake?
Walk a mile with the woman whose body is torn
With illness but she marches on
Oh, 'cause sometimes the sun stays hidden for years
Sometimes the sky rains night after night
When will it clear?

But our Hope endures the worst of conditions
It's more than our optimism
Let the earth quake
Our Hope is unchanged

Emmanuel, God is with us
El Shaddai, all sufficient
We never walk alone
And this is our hope

But our Hope endures the worst of conditions
It's more than our optimism
Let the earth quake
Our Hope is unchanged 

1 comment:

  1. I only got to know you for a short time at SFLC, but you've been on my mind a lot lately. I am also raising a son with special needs. Javan has Asperger's syndrome and Bipolar disorder. We're really struggling right now and have been for years. If you need someone to talk to, I'll understand your heart.

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