Monday, July 11, 2011


Between acknowledging he's different and ignoring it completely.

Between falling down and standing strong.

Between ignorance and bliss.

Between right and wrong.

Between too much and too little.

It's hard to know where the balance is, isn't it? I've been wrestling with that ever since we found out about Ben's secret. (It was his secret, after all. Sonogram after sonogram of trying to find his face that just so happened to be tucked safely away in my hip. Refusing the blood test because "it wouldn't matter anyway.") I don't know where the balance is between ignoring and acknowledging his differences. To be honest, I don't know if I'll ever find it. People stop and stare at my son wherever I go. (Yes, he's just that cute.) Sometimes I wonder to myself, "Do they know?" Sometimes I want to announce that he has Down Syndrome just to clear the air. Sometimes it's like the elephant in the room that everyone's ignoring. Sometimes I wish I could answer questions before people ask. I know people want to ask. Sometimes I wonder about the future. But, most of the time, I snuggle my little guy. I do the same ridiculous thing over and over just to make him smile. I put out my pointer finger because I know he'll grab on. Most of the time I'm just... Ben's mom. And Ben is just... Ben. The normalcy I thought I had lost was just hiding for a day or two while I mourned.  God knew to keep Ben's secret until I had an army of friends and family around me. God knew to have someone post on my wall about moving back to Florida. God knew we would need this job. God knew what I could handle. He always does.

Micah loves to work out. In Afghanistan, he has rallied a group of guys together and they all hit the circus tent before their shift. Micah's a leader. Always has been; always will be. He takes charge of a situation better than anybody else I know. His gift is especially evident when he's doing what he loves. I've been saying for years that he needs to be a personal trainer. My favorite encouraging catch phrase of his? "You're always stronger than you think you are." He makes people push their limits by sneaking in extra weight or making them do more reps than they think they're doing. He knows what people can handle and is willing to make them strive for it because he knows how much better they're going to feel about themselves when it's over.

You're stronger than you think you are. God knows what you can handle. Promise.  


  1. You are amazing! What a beautiful post. I have many thoughts...
    You are so right. Balance is so hard to find in so many ways. We all deal with it our own issues of balance, I know I do, but there is a little bit of comfort for me knowing that I am not alone in my struggle of balance.
    I loved reading about Micah in Afghanistan. It is so evident to others that leadership that you were refering to. I am glad that he has an opportunity to share something that he loves. Once again, and always, thanks for sharing. You are so gifted with your writing...
    Love you!
    -Rebekah B

  2. I thank my God in all my remembrance of you, always offering prayer with joy in me every prayer for you all, in view of your participation in the gospel from the first day until now. Philippians 1:3-5

    Amber, you and Micah have been incredible partners with Pete and myself throughout our pursuit into fulltime missions. We would not be in Idaho learning more about the opportunities we have without you. I truly thank God for you - for your friendship, for your support, for your love, and for the woman you have become in the time I have known you. You are a beacon of light to those who need to see. You are a voice of honesty, truth, and encouragement. You are an example of strength in Jesus. You are used by Him in mighty ways and I can't wait to hear about how He uses you in your new home and with the beautiful words He gives you. I love you, friend. Give Ben a hug from me, Pete, and the Cade-man.