Tuesday, September 23, 2014

Choices

I didn't want to share this. I started writing this the end of July. I've learned something since then. (I say that a lot, don't I?) It's a raw one. I'm not sorry. 

I went there.

I've been before, but it's been hitting me much harder this week for some reason. Maybe I've got too much time to think. Maybe I just needed it. Maybe my what if's are resurfacing. Regardless, I went there.

We celebrated Alexis' first birthday a few weeks ago. I made cupcakes, hung decorations. We had a cookout and basked in the East Texas sun. I made a cake in the shape of a number one. I had made it for Ben for his first birthday, too.

As I put it away, it stung.

"I'll use it again someday. When she's ten and eleven...

If we make it that long."

Oh God, I went there.

The powerful sting of my most terrifying 'what if' went deep this time. That brief thought had occurred to me before, but just at the surface. I hadn't let myself go any further; quickly changing my thoughts to something, anything else. I don't want to think about it. The future is not a place I go. I can't. I don't let myself.

One day at a time. One moment. One millisecond sometimes. That's all I can handle, right?

Maybe. Maybe that's all I'm supposed to handle.

On my own, I'm a mess. The days I choose to bury myself deep inside the valley are the days I learn the most. It is a choice, after all.

I don't say much to people. That's a choice. I don't want to be a burden. I don't want to need help so I don't ask for it. I don't want to be vulnerable. Who does? I mean, really.

But here's the deal...

People can't understand what they don't know. Did you get that? People won't help if they don't know you need it.

I do need help. I need people. I need encouragement and I need to be vulnerable. I need Jesus in the flesh. That's what it means to be a Christian. "To be like Christ." What did Jesus do while He was on earth? Loved people who didn't think they needed to be loved. Helped people who didn't want to need help. 

Then He showed them how to pass it on.

Be Jesus in the flesh. Be kind. Be vulnerable. Bear each others burdens.

Love on somebody today. Let somebody love on you. 

(And if you don't know how to do that... watch Ben. He's really good at it.)